Written: October 2008
I have two gay brothers. Yes, you read that correctly; go back and re-read it if you need to see it again or maybe if you thought your eyes deceived you. Yes, two of my three brothers are gay and I love them! Today marks the day that the younger of my two brothers is fully “out of the closet;” he finally told Mom. The rest of us have known for awhile, but in an effort to respect his wishes and wait for him to share news with her that a second son is gay, she wasn’t told until today. This has been a journey for our family and it isn’t over yet. It will be an ongoing journey, an ongoing adjustment, an ongoing conversation, and an ongoing road that together we will travel. I am going to share with you a little bit of our story and my personal views and beliefs. You may agree, you may disagree, you may want to send me hate mail, or you may want to praise me. No matter how you feel, it won’t change how I feel.
I am writing this in response to the many letters that Daniel has received regarding homosexuality and same sex marriage. With all of this Prop 8 frenzy going on in California, homosexuality has been at the forefront of many peoples’ minds. The LDS church’s involvement with Proposition 8 (the initiative that would eliminate the right of same sex couples to marry) has caused many of our LDS friends to become very involved in passing this initiative. It saddens me that this has also caused a lot people to be very outspoken and downright offensive to Daniel and others homosexuals. Some things he has heard are others comparing him to a pedophile for being gay, or telling him that he’s going to hell for this “choice,” and so on. The protective big-sister in me is feeling like I need to stand up for him, have a voice, and say a thing or two. So here I go.
Daniel would tell you that he has known his whole life that he was gay. His first recollection of realizing his sexuality was as far back as seven years old. If he was writing this, he would tell you that it definitely wasn’t a “choice,” and he never chose to be homosexual. Looking back on his life, I can tell you that I too could recognize this from when he was very young. Nothing happened to Daniel when he was little; he wasn’t mistreated by a neighbor or babysitter, he wasn’t abused in any way… he was simply born this way. God created him this way.
Now I know many of you are shaking your heads and saying to yourself, “Laura, you’ve definitely got this all wrong. God would never create someone homosexual.” To those of you that would say that, I will say that God creates all of his children his way and for his reasons. He has created some of us to be predisposed to alcohol or drug addiction, or prone to anger, or really kind, or loud, or quiet, or bipolar, or depressed. What I am simply saying that God creates us the way he does, and for a reason. Now I am not going to pretend to be so intelligent that I could understand the inter workings of God’s mind and neither should you. Or why he has created us the way he has, but for what ever reason he has created each of us the way we are intentionally. With that being said God has created all of us, including our homosexual brothers and sisters.
Many of you have told Daniel through your letters and emails that “he couldn’t possibly be born this way,” I am here to tell one thing… you are wrong. I am not being a naive sister trying to find excuses for him or trying to make sense of this for me by saying he was born that way. Let me state this plain and simple: he was born this way, not only do you need to understand it, but more importantly accept it. With that being said, I know what you are thinking now—“Well it’s his choice to act on it or not.” Yes, you are right it is his choice. But let’s read that again and emphasize the “his choice” part. That is just it my friends it is his choice. Isn’t that what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about—choice? I understand that many of you love Daniel and want what’s best for him. I am right there with you, and believe me; I have cried many tears and had many sleepless nights over this whole thing. I also understand that many of you think he should be choosing different, choosing to not act on these impulses. And again, believe me, I understand that too. However, let me share with you my experience about Daniel’s “coming out.”
Last February when I was officially told that Daniel was gay, all I did was cry. I cried for three weeks straight. Then one day I said to myself, “why am I crying?” I sat for a minute and thought about it. I knew I was crying for a reason, but what was it exactly? When it all boiled down, I was crying because I was worried about judgments that other people would make. I was worried that people would think he didn’t serve an honorable LDS mission, or that people would think less of him and our family. I was worried that people would be mean to him and say stupid and ignorant things to him. I was worried about the ignorance of people and them keeping their children away from him because they didn’t really understand homosexuality. I was worried that people would stop talking to him. I was worried what men would say, but what I never worried about was what God would say.
The reason that I never worried about that is because I trust God; I trust that he is omnipotent and that he knows all. I have faith and trust in the atonement of Jesus Christ and I know that Christ did what he did for all of us, not just for the “good ones” or the “straight ones.” I also know that God and Jesus Christ have a plan for each of us and that they certainly know a lot more than we do. They also know us better than we know ourselves and they know what is in our hearts. I also know that their love for Daniel and other homosexuals is just as great as it is for the entire human race. I also know that ultimately it isn’t my job to pass judgments; I’ll leave that up to God and Christ. Who is the greater sinner — the homosexual that is kind to his neighbor, loves others more than he loves himself or the so called religious guy next door that looks upon everyone else with total judgment and hate? The scriptures talk a lot about not judging others and loving our neighbors. Now I know you are thinking, “Well it’s because I do love Daniel that I said those things to him,” and all I have to say to that is—No! What many of you said was demeaning, absolutely unloving, and was said with total judgment. Daniel doesn’t need to be reminded what the church says about all of this. He served a mission, he is still in an LDS family, he knows. What he does need is to be reminded that he is loved unconditionally from friends, family, and other LDS members. Unconditional love means we love you anyway, we love you even though, we love you despite…we just plain love you. And quite frankly, if your love for Daniel or any other homosexual is conditional upon their sexual preference, it wasn’t sincere to begin with. Therefore, they didn’t need your love anyway. I am sorry to be so harsh, but as the protective and loving sister, someone has to say it.
During this whole time of Daniel coming out and of me trying to figure out where I stood with it all, I did a lot of praying. I remember lying on my living room couch, sobbing in prayer, crying to the Lord saying, “Lord, I stand where you stand. You tell me where you stand and I stand there too. I’m not sure what I am supposed to do or say or how I am supposed to react or feel. You just tell me and that is what I will do.” Then the most beautiful answer came. The Lord clearly and distinctively told me that my only job was to love Daniel (and others). He never told me to try and change his mind, he never told me to try and talk him out of it, he never told me to send him to therapy; all he told me to do was just to love him. Love him, how simple. By loving Daniel and not trying change him, I am actually doing more. Those of us that are trying to change other people, trying to talk them out of being gay are really just pushing them away. And what will be accomplished by simply pushing him away? Really… answer that for yourself. What good is it going to do? Would I rather have him hurt, offended, and closed to whatever I say? Or would I rather have him feel loved, supported, and cared for; still being in each others lives where I have more room to influence, teach, and love him? By reading this, you probably know my position and my answer to this question. What is yours?
What does it really mean to you to be a Christian? Does it mean you attend Sunday services weekly? Does it mean you pay your tithes and offerings? Does it mean that you help little old ladies cross the street? When you really think about it, what does it mean to you and how do you apply it in your daily life? Does being a Christian for you extend deeper than the surface? Does being a Christian mean you exhibit Christ like charity and love to all those around you? Or just charity to the ones that are easy for you to love? I am asking not to sound condescending or rude. I am only asking because sometimes I think we lose sight of what we are really trying to accomplish here. Is your need to be right more important than the need to love those around you? I understand that many of you (and myself included) have very strong convictions, but sometimes in our effort to be a ‘right fighter,’ we forget that we are dealing with and talking about people; real people who have feelings, emotions, desires, thoughts, experiences, etc. We can never know the true courage it takes for people to be authentic with themselves and with others, and to come out with the facts of their lives. I know that some of you are thinking, “Well, it takes true courage to suppress these tendencies and not act upon them.” Again, I understand where you are coming from and I agree with you. But also again that is not my choice or your choice, that is their choice and their choice only.
It may not appear this way, but I do value what many of you in California are trying to do with Prop 8, I really do. I respect your position and I respect how the church is trying to protect what they believe so strongly in. At the same time, I am sensitive to the people on the other side of it. If I lived in California and had to vote, I don’t think I would. For me and for my family, it is still extremely tender. We love our brothers and sons so much that we will not take a strong public stand on it, either way. My brothers know where I stand deep in my heart. I understand the importance of family, and I value my family and that is why I am sticking up for mine.
Right now people need to stand up for our brothers and sisters who are gay and simply love them unconditionally. Someone needs to stick up for them when people think they are helping and send hurtful emails, someone needs to say “hey you crossed the line.” Someone needs to tell them that God loves them just as much as he loves the Prophet, the Pope, Mother Teresa, and Gandhi. Someone needs to tell them that God has it all worked out and that we don’t know everything. Someone needs to be an advocate for them and by being an advocate it doesn’t mean you condone the behavior; it just means that you love the person. Someone needs to remind our gay brothers and sisters that those people who send hurtful emails just don’t fully understand the whole realm of it all. Someone needs to be willing to walk with them. I will be one of those people…stand up for my brothers, love them unconditionally, and walk by their side during easy and hard times.
Please don’t be mistaken, I love the gospel of Jesus Christ with all my heart. I know and I understand his teachings. I know what religion says about homosexuality and I know that I have a strong testimony of the scriptures and God’s word. The second great commandment is to “love thy neighbor as thyself.” My message is about love. That is all. Love. All I am asking from you, my friends, is to remember that they are people we love and to remember that while talking to them or about them. Do I wish things were different? Of course I do and Daniel knows that. But do I wish so badly for him to be different that I am willing to risk our relationship? I refuse to say something totally offensive in an effort to get my point across and push him away. It isn’t my place to judge him, it isn’t my place to try and change him; the only job God gave me was simply to love him.
Sincerely,
Laura Powell
Laura.thejourney@gmail.com
PS—Out of respect for my parents, please do not discuss this issue with them. They aren’t to the point in the journey where they are willing to discuss this publically. Mom’s concern at this point is that people are talking behind our backs, please don’t do that either. I personally welcome any and all comments you may have regarding our personal family matter.
